senseless thoughts

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold
On to a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
and I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
good or bad? just a mindless soul speaking while alone at this place. noone should hear this thoughts of me. noone should know how i feel. yet i feel so in need. so in need to tell somebody. i need aid and help. strong as i may be, but weak i actually am. i told u those matters thats bothering. yet, it seems like much more den what ive said. isit just a plain simple matter that can be handled and solved? i hardly doubt it. theres uch more behind the scenes thatn it is. let alone those matters within thats yet to be said. i wanna tell u all now. it soothes me to let u know. running is not what im good at. all these thoughts, it bothers. all these thoughts it kills. it worries me so much about so many. yet why do i still addd burdens? i've failed many because of my dying need for love. i've failed many because of my selfish behaviors to be the one. i've failed and failed yet i keep trying. what is the gist of it? as a nike shirt said, 'Why wait? Just f***ing do it!' its a conviction to be what i am. its a prove and evident that it is the better side. yet the other is tearing its way up. i run. run too often and fast. but no longer i should anymore. friends, family, self and most of all. you..why am i still worrying so much. u have showed me much much more than i thought we could. but still.. the pessimism lingers. im so sorry. its me. my mind swings from ends to ends. too many considerations i have thought about. i just cant stop. im so sorry. its just the times of solitude that makes my mind race. i mean all i said. but im afraid it fires back. everything ive said so far i mean them. i wish to walk the ends with you. but my past is much more than revealed. it wills surely and definitely come back and bite. im fearful now. the fear of losing you. the fear of the enveloping darkness. the fear thats undying in me. fear? its a stepping stone. but can i make that step? i know u will help me with it. i know i should. i know i can. just a mindless ousl speaking its mindles thoughts. i love u so much. my darling vivien.